


Squirrel Boy

by Monsieur_Grenouille



Category: Fall Out Boy
Genre: Asexual Patrick Stump, Dorks in Love, F/M, Female Patrick Stump
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-17
Updated: 2020-06-18
Packaged: 2021-03-04 05:13:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24758353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monsieur_Grenouille/pseuds/Monsieur_Grenouille
Summary: In the midst of her anxiety and depression, Patricia falls in love with the boy who feeds the squirrels
Relationships: Patrick Stump/Joe Trohman
Kudos: 7





	1. Cheeseball Method

**Author's Note:**

> Hehe I haven’t posted in a long time, but I can explain. I’ve been down with a kidney infection that has turned into a bacterial infection. I have been too low-energy to write anything. I’m back, though. Here’s female asexual Patrick Stump.

Patricia’s not a college student. She’s around the same age as one, but she’s not. She can’t afford it and there’s nothing about it that seems to help depression. According to her brother, college _is_ depression. She just likes to hang around campus and think. 

When she goes to campus to think, she always sits on the same bench. It has a nice view of the sculptures that decorate campus. It’s also across from the same spot where Squirrel Boy spends his mornings. Squirrel Boy feeds the squirrels on campus donuts and bread every morning like it’s his moral obligation, and the squirrels love him for this. They get within a foot of him, and Patricia once saw a squirrel stand on his arm. He has curly brown hair and lots of band shirts, tattoos decorating his arms. He wears a beanie on his head year round but his glasses come and go. Either way, Patricia watches him feed the squirrels every morning, waiting for their eyes to meet. 

Their eyes eventually meet, but under a really strange circumstance. Patricia sits on her bench and listens to her music, trying to get through a major bump in her anxiety that started the other day. Her eyes are closed as she rocks back and forth lightly to the tune of her music. The notes surround her in colors until she gets lost in them, then they turn into numbers. She mumbles the lyrics as they come to her. Hair dangles over her eyes like a little curtain that says, “leave me alone or I will literally, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually explode.” 

Her nerves start to settle down from the music and her medicine, then she feels a little hand on her shoe. Not like a human hand, but a small creature’s hand. She figures it’s just anxiety just trying to check in, so she doesn’t pay much attention to it. A few seconds later, she feels the hand on her knee. It has tiny claws and a warm slender torso now. She feels a little nudge, too. Something like a tail graces her foot. 

Patricia opens her eyes to make direct eye contact with a small squirrel clinging to her leg. It scares her more than it should. “WHAT THE FUCK?!” she shrieks, kicking her leg to shake it away. It flies off and into the grass. She stares at it more as she waits for her chest to loosen and her breath to slow down. So many things are flying through her head. She checks herself for anything serious, like a bite or a scratch. Instead, she finds a cheeseball on her knee. “The hell?” she mutters. 

Patricia hears awkward chuckling from in front of her. Squirrel Boy is standing there, blushing and holding a squirrel on his shoulder. “I-It’s that guy’s birthday,” he explains, gesturing to the rascal on the ground, “I wanted him to meet the prettiest girl on earth as a present. He also likes cheeseballs, so there’s that.” He grips his arm with his hand. 

Patricia widens her eyes and picks up the treat off her knee. She holds up in front of their views. “You threw this?” she asks, stunned. 

Squirrel Boy nods. “I’m sorry if it made you uncomfortable...” 

Patricia shakes her head. “I’m impressed, actually. Nice aim. Uh, thanks for calling me pretty. I don’t get that much.” 

Squirrel Boy blushes harder. “W-Well, you should! Cause you’re really pretty. And I’ve wanted to talk to you for a long time. I-I see you here everyday. You see me too, right?” he has a small lisp that Trish never expected, but it suits him. He seems like he’d be the type with a lisp. 

Patricia smiles. “I’ve seen you, yeah. You’re really cute, too. Can I get your name?” She tucks a hair behind her ear. The squirrel on Squirrel Boy’s shoulder crawls down to his wrist, asking for attention. Squirrel Boy strokes its fur calmly, as if he wasn’t the modern day Bob Ross with his curly hair and wild animals. 

“M-My name’s Joe,” he says, “Joe Trohman. What’s yours?” 

“Patricia,” she extends her hand for him to shake. He takes it awkwardly, then moves to sit next to her. 

“You can feed that cheeseball to the little dude right there,” he says, pointing to the squirrel at Patricia’s feet. 

Patricia feels a flutter in her chest. This is their first big moment. They’re going to fall in love and this is their first big moment. She has to play it cool, though. “Do I just hand it to him?” she asks, “Or do I set it in front of him? I’m so nervous, sorry. I’ve never even been this close to a squirrel and now I’m giving him a birthday present. I swear I’m not stupid, Joe. I’m just nervous.” 

The curly haired boy shushes her as he puts his hand on hers and guides it to the squirrel. Patricia covers her eyes partially with her free hand, peaking through cracks in her fingers. Joe’s warm hand was on hers, and she was feeding one of his squirrels. “You okay?” Joe asks. 

Patricia takes her hand off her face to turn to him. Their faces were inches apart. “Y-Yeah,” she whispers, “I’m fine. Let’s just feed your friend here.” 

Joe nods and finishes nudging her hand towards the squirrel. The squirrel takes the cheeseball in his little mouth hesitantly, then walks back a little to enjoy his snack. Patricia looks to Joe with pure amusement. He’s smiling, too. “It looks so big in his mouth, right?” he chuckles, “I’ve never given a squirrel one of those before. I only read yesterday that they–“ 

Patricia cuts him off to press a kiss to his lips. Her left hand lands behind his neck as her right holds his hand. She feels him add force of his own, which sends a flutter to her chest. Soon they’re just two twenty-something year olds kissing on a bench like high schoolers. They’d only been talking for a bit, but they’ve seen each other and wanted to date each other for a year or two. It felt like such a release. Joe’s calloused fingers hold onto Patricia’s silky strawberry blonde hair. A squirrel sits between them, sniffing at their legs curiously. 

Patricia breaks off and smiles. “I-I don’t know why I did that. I’ve had a crush on you for a while. I might just be a squirrel, you know? I like you a ton, just like the squirrels.” 

“You could be Squirrel Girl. You know those comics?” Joe blushes and looks at his hands. He reaches down between them to scoop a little furry baby into his hands. 

Patricia laughs, “You’d be Squirrel Boy. That’s what I’ve been calling you these past two years.” 

Joe tucks a curl behind his ear. “You’ve been Sweater to me. You always wear those colorful sweaters. They... and I don’t know if I can ask this... they’ve gotten darker. You don’t wear color anymore. Are you okay?” 

Patricia looks into his eyes. He’s serious about this. She can’t lie to him about this, however easy it is. But students are starting to pour out of the buildings, meaning they should both leave. Patricia feels like she’s taking too long to answer a simple question. “C-Can we go to a coffee shop or something? We can talk this out.” 

Joe nods and takes her hand loosely as they walk to the closest cafe.


	2. Time Passes

Patricia and Joe fell in love more quickly than most couples did. Not as fast as a lesbian couple, but they still moved in together on the fourth month. “It’s not much,” Patricia chuckles as she helps Joe unpack his boxes. “But you know that already. You’ve been here.” 

Joe smiles and presses a kiss to the top of her head. “I’m gonna use the bathroom, Trishy. I’ll be right back.” He heads out of the room, leaving Patricia alone. Patricia takes a lava lamp out of a box labeled **shit I thought I needed** and sets it on the bedside table. She plugs it in, then flicks it on. The little orbs move about, morphing together and pulling apart. Some of them seem to go through mitosis. It’s just fascinating. She lets her mind wander, getting lost in the lava lamp. 

Joe comes out of the bathroom a little later. “Baby, can we talk? I’m not mad at you.” He sits on the bed next to her and pulls her close. Patricia hesitantly leans back against him, shaking the slightest bit. In response, Joe strokes her hair and whispers “Don’t be afraid, honey. I just want to talk about something I saw.” 

Patricia nods and holds his hands in her lap. “What did you see?” she asks, keeping her voice steady. 

Joe sighs, “You have a lot of pill bottles, dear. I know you said you were in a rough patch when we met, but how rough was it?” 

Patricia almost shuts down again. Joe found out about all her prescriptions. “When we met... I was s-s-suicidal. And I hate admitting it because it makes me sick in the head, but I was. Those pills were my lifeblood. But then I met you and it kind of... well... it turned it around. Not completely, but at least I don’t want to die anymore. Don’t hospitalize me, Joe. I’m not suicidal now. In that cafe, I know I made an understatement. I said I was just in a rough patch. But now it’s more like that and it’s all because of you. Please don’t leave me for this...” she breaks down into tears and curls up to Joe more. This is the first time she’s ever exposed herself like this, and it feels nice. She feels like a barrier has just been torn down between her and her supportive boyfriend. 

Joe takes her into his arms more, squeezing her tighter than ever. She sobs against his shirt, but it doesn’t phase him. “Hey, baby... it’s okay... you’re okay. We’re in this together, alright?” 

Patricia whimpers against him. “Okay...” her voice is high and barely heard, but that’s okay. 

Joe kisses her forehead and lets her cry as long as she needs. “Should I make spaghetti for dinner? You don’t have to do a thing, Trishy.” 

Patricia nuzzles his chest. “Yeah,” she sniffles. 

Joe waits a little before asking, “Do you think orgasming would—in any way—help you?” 

Patricia instinctively laughs. She forgot to tell Joe. “Baby, I’m asexual. You will never have sex again if you continue this.” 

Joe smiles, “Cool. I’ve never had it, so it doesn’t matter.” 

Patricia pulls back and grabs his face in her hands. “We will both _die_ virgins, if all goes well.” 

Joe laughs and gives her a warm kiss on the mouth. “If all goes well.” 

“And it will,” Patricia wipes her tears and tries to smile. “It’s gonna be okay.” 

* * *

On their one year anniversary, Joe comes home with a kitten in his hands. The kitten is small, fluffy, and grey all over with fascinating blue eyes. It mews softly in Joe’s hands, stretching out for a release. Joe kisses it on the head lightly and walks to his and Patricia’s room. Patricia sits lays on the bed, staring out the window and hugging a pillow to her chest. She’s wearing her dull grey sweater; never a good sign. “Hey, baby...” Joe greets her, “Happy anniversary.” He holds up the mewling kitten. Patricia doesn’t respond at first, so Joe walks over to her and kisses her cheek. “I have a gift for you.” 

Patricia doesn’t look at him, “I’m sorry, Joe. It’s bad this time because the supplier to the pharmacy is down and th...” she lets her voice falter. “You know what? I’m sorry. What’s going on?” She sits up in bed, then sees Joe standing with the small ball of fur in his hands. The kitten stares at her innocently, making his same noises. 

“Mew. Mewww. Rawr.” He growls playfully and bites at Joe’s thumb. Joe chuckles and hands her the kitten. Patricia’s eyes go wide and she smiles at Joe. 

“Babe!” she cheers, “This is perfect! I love him! Her? Boy or girl?” 

Joe slips his hands in his pockets. “Well, I was thinking we’d raise them genderless,” he jokes, giving a sly smile. Patricia starts to laugh, then pats the spot next to her on the bed. Joe takes off his shoes before climbing in to watch his girlfriend and new cat. “The baby is male, if that matters to you. I named him Donatello, because of the ninja turtle.”

Patricia kisses the kitten gently. “I’m gonna call you Donnie for short,” she coos. Donnie nudges her hand excitedly. Patricia turns to look at Joe. “Thank you so much, baby. I didn’t know it was our anniversary.” She presses a sound kiss to his lips. “I should’ve adopted a squirrel or something.” 

Joe laughs and pulls a purple collar out of his pocket. He fastens it around Donnie’s neck, then links a leash to it. “I was thinking,” he says, “We could go visit the squirrels. They’d be so happy to know I finally got a girlfriend like you.” 

**Author's Note:**

> The doctors are growing a culture in my piss. I really hope it’s an oligarchy that flourishes in the arts. I’d like to see a council of elders ruling over my Petri dish.


End file.
